Letting Go and Finding Your Yoga
I have been asked several times recently to write a follow-up to my first blog The Blue Yoga Mat, which was a glimpse into my early yoga practice and recovery and lessons learned. I conveniently skip from that time to sharing my vision as an instructor. What lies in between is a story of letting go.
Sometime, a long time ago, after finding a yoga studio that felt comfortable and safe, I attended a “Recovery Yoga Training”. It was at the studio with about 25 people in attendance from all backgrounds, not just recovery. I remember my insecurity, curiosity, and almost obsession about looking like “yoga”. You know, the right body, the right clothes, the right air of peace. I pulled it off good enough, yet on the inside, I craved to be free and authentic. I cried through a lot of that training and recognized that this was the missing link in my ability to recover and change.
The presenters, Mike Huggins and Colleen DiVirgiliis of Transformation Yoga Project inspired me to want to learn more. I began working part-time for TYP doing admin and various volunteer work. With the support of the TYP team, I began my teacher training. At that time, my own family was in crisis, I was working full-time, and acting out in ridiculous ways. I slept through meditations, had an attitude of “already knowing”, and did not prioritize required reading. As I learned about privilege, finding my voice, paying attention to my feelings, being present, being in service and letting go, an awareness began to arise around all my attachments and barriers.
Sometimes we cling to things, people, and beliefs so much that our attachment becomes our only truth or reality. In yoga, the word dukkha literally means suffering and disturbances of the mind. How often do we attach to things that are not in our best interest! But why? The Yoga Sutras outline the causes of suffering including:
Habit (samskara, subtle impressions of our past actions)
Distress due to unwanted change (parinama, our ability to respond to changes)
Longing or craving (tapas, self-discipline)
Unbalanced energy (guanas, energetic forces of stability, activity, consciousness )
Often we have an awareness of the causes of dukkha and suffering but struggle at times to let go. How do we let go?
Acceptance became key in accurate self-reflection. You cannot let go of what you cannot accept. Like carrying the weight of the three-ton blue yoga mat around, ever reminding me of the price of my alcoholism, the weight of clinging to pride and ego that caused dukkha needed to go in order for me to embrace true recovery. The breath became the first tool of yoga that really introduced me to letting go.
When we think about the sympathetic nervous system SNS (fight or flight), it’s easy to sense a feeling of wanting to hold our breath. In fact, when the nervous system is unregulated and the SNS is stuck on, deep breathing can be physically challenging. When we practice mindful breathing, the breath often begins to regulate itself. Thus, the beginning of strengthening the parasympathetic nervous system. I began to practice mentally letting go with each exhale, with each inhale, I practiced gratitude. Eventually, I could use my breath to let go of the tension in my body.
Gradually, I noticed shifts off the mat. Less anxious, more open-minded, and clearer thinking.
It’s science really as the limbic system in the brain triggers emotions therefore reducing the ability of the decision-making area of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, to function properly.
Years later, the benefits of breath awareness and mindful breathing continue to strengthen my nervous system allowing me to be more focused, calm, peaceful, and accepting. I no longer spend time worrying about looking like yoga. I am yoga, yoga in practice.
It is time.
Let go of your breath, let go of the “bondage of self”, let go of the season, and embrace everything that is in this moment.
