The Blue Yoga Mat
For a long time, my blue yoga mat, the one I bought in California while there for another attempt at recovery, would sit in the corner of my room. I lost and gave away so many things that represented my identity, however, my blue yoga mat was one of the only things that remained.
Whenever I have been hurt or sad, I used to get withdrawn and feel invisible. I often found it emotionally painful to take a deep breath. For me, movement, deep breathing, music, art, literature, and nature were sources of feelings that I avoided and feared. If I caught a glimpse of the beautiful side of life, the feeling side of life, it hurt, because it was something out of my reach, and something I felt that I would never be able to enjoy ever again. My blue yoga mat sat untouched, representing an abandoned life and freedom.
The blue yoga mat, my personal metaphor for my true soul self, no longer sat in the corner of my room but was now unrolled on the hardwood floor in the middle of my room. This was a vulnerable time because, without the numbing effects of alcohol and chaos, I was alone with myself, faced with the truth. The mat was my oasis for healing. As I began to start practicing yoga, the tears came for all that I was, the lessons learned, and for the immense gratitude I felt in my heart.
The day finally came when I was ready to try a yoga studio class. My fears were many:
Was I going to feel bad because I was out of shape, ungraceful,
feeling fat, and not wearing the right clothes?
Probably, but I went anyway. And, I did feel all of those things, but I felt something else too, maybe even a little more powerful than my own negative thoughts. I felt a connection with my soul again. A little piece of me came back, and I craved more.
As an active member of a 12-step program, I have found that the practice of yoga enables me to process the work I do in my recovery by:
Staying mindful and in the present moment on the mat, allowing me to let go of the past and not fear the future.
Noticing the physical difference between being uncomfortable and being in pain.
Having compassion for myself and others
Removing the beliefs about myself that hold me back and interfere with service
Staying with uncomfortable feelings and observing reactions.
Understanding that suffering is a choice, and if I am in pain, it’s ok to make any necessary choices to restore wellbeing.
Practicing contemplation and meditation while moving mindfully
Being ok with taking up space
Challenging myself to focus when I want to give up
Confronting my ego, and practicing humility – even enjoying the wobbly moments
Opportunities to do yoga service work
Keeping a beginners mind, open to possibilities, teachable and curious
Now, as a yoga instructor, my goal is to share what I have learned through my own journey back to yoga and myself. I have found in the yoga service community others who have faced brokenness, and have become restored through their practice and service.
Eventually, I had to let go of my blue yoga mat. It was worn and tattered from years of supporting me through my recovery journey. The blue yoga mat has been replaced many times. Now I have several that continually lead me down the path of forgiveness, joy, letting go, taking up space, freedom, breathing, love, serenity, and most of all Gratitude!
Cheryl
